


Stupid, Stupid Hyunjin

by 3rachet



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mentions of Anxiety, Not Beta Read, Sad Hours Open, Unhappy Ending, depressed college kids, ghosting happens, mentions of self harm, tagging is hard, this shit hurted, time skip, vine references galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 01:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18955525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3rachet/pseuds/3rachet
Summary: a bitch is self-projecting agiancw; this fic does include mentions of suicide, self-harm, and self-destructive behaviors. proceed with caution and know that you are loved <3 <3 <3





	Stupid, Stupid Hyunjin

**Author's Note:**

> a bitch is self-projecting agian
> 
> cw; this fic does include mentions of suicide, self-harm, and self-destructive behaviors. proceed with caution and know that you are loved <3 <3 <3

_3:04 a.m._

“Seungmin,” a soft voice hisses in the dark, hand resting gently on the boy’s shoulder. “Seungmin, wake up. Please.” The boy’s voice cracked on the last syllable.

“ s’ only another minute please… ‘m tired…” the young boy mumbled, gently swatting at the hand on his shoulder.

Hyunjin took his hand off the sleeping boy’s shoulder, sighing in defeat. He knew Seungmin didn’t mean anything by not waking up, but it didn’t help Hyunjin’s prior reservations about attempting to wake the boy earlier. Stupid, stupid Hyunjin for thinking someone would actually care about him enough to wake up, especially a boy he’s known for three months.

The tears came slowly at first, so slow that Hyunjin could barely register he was crying. Stifling the first sob with his hand, the boy looked through his blurred vision for his keys. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere, just so long as he wouldn’t wake his roommate. He knew his suitemate Chan was probably awake in the next room and that he would listen to Hyunjin’s concerns, but he didn’t want to come across as weak and needy. Chan was also a third year at uni and Hyunjin didn’t need to bother him with his problems; he was sure Chan had similar difficulties as a first year, and Hyunjin was certain that he didn’t want to relive them over again.

Adjusting to dorm life was difficult for Hyunjin. Leaving his parents to attend university was the most difficult decision he had to make. Being an only child, he was- is- very close with his parents. Although he missed his parents, the person he missed most was Kkami, his dog. Hyunjin’s mom had sensed Hyunjin would need a good friend to go to school with him and had tried to convince Hyunjin to fill out paperwork for Kkami to accompany him to school. Hyunjin had refused, saying it would make him look weak.

Stupid, stupid Hyunjin. He never listened.

Somehow, Hyunjin found himself at the campus fountain. It was at that moment Hyunjin realized how out of breath he was, which made sense considering he just bolted almost a mile across campus to his current location. Looking around and seeing no one, he collapsed onto the fountain’s edge, being careful enough to not fall in but not careful enough to avoid the rock which stabbed into his hand as he pushed himself up.

For a few brief moments, there was silence. Hyunjin closed his eyes, breathing.

“Hey!”

Hyunjin nearly fell into the fountain at the sound of the voice. It was too loud for someone this early in the morning but wasn’t nearly aggressive enough to be one of the campus police officers. The boy suddenly became hyper aware of the fact he was still crying and furiously wiped his eyes with his sleeves, willing himself to not cry in front of the potential officer heading his way.

“It’s really late! Why are you out here? Well, maybe you could say it’s early. I don’t know how you choose to talk about time. My friends and I always say, ‘it’s never tomorrow until you go to bed’, but that means that you can be a time traveler if you don’t sleep! I don’t think it makes much sense, but Felix seems to enjoy confusing me with that. I think he just likes laughing at me honestly.”

Hyunjin was absolutely dumbfounded. It was 3:30 in the morning and there was a cute strange kid babbling in front of him. Realizing he should probably say something back, he cleared his throat before asking a simple question. The boy’s stare was getting way too intense for Hyunjin.

“I mean… I could ask you the same thing, I think?” He gave the stranger a small, forced smile.

“Yeah! You could! Well, my roommates and I just watched a scary movie is all. I love horror films, but man, I can never sleep after them. I always get so excited! And a little bit scared too, but don’t tell Felix and Changbin that. Good thing I don’t have class tomorrow until 1! Well, I’ve decided I don’t. I actually have class at 10, but class is for nerds!” The eager boy stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry, making Hyunjin laugh. Whoever this boy was, he was absolutely adorable.

As if reading his mind, the shorter boy stuck his hand out enthusiastically. “Hi fountain buddy, I’m Han Jisung! First year university student and full-time idiot!” He didn’t wait for Hyunjin to extend his hand before he reached and grabbed Hyunjin’s. The boy’s hand was surprisingly soft and not that much smaller than his. Perfect for holding. Hyunjin didn’t want to let go ~~but that was gay and it was too early for that.~~

“Hwang Hyunjin. I’m also a first-year student. Why haven’t I seen you around?”

“I study music production! I spend a lot of time in the recording studios on campus. I want to be a producer one day, a famous one!” There were stars of passion in Jisung’s eyes as the young boy bounced up and down. Hyunjin’s heart soared at his excitement and passion. He couldn’t help but smile, genuinely this time.

“Oh! I study dance and photography. I spend a lot of my time between the two buildings, although I prefer being outside more.”

“Not just at almost 4 in the morning, I take it?” The squishy faced boy winked at Hyunjin before erupting into laughter. “I’m sorry. I’m so sleepy. I’m getting delirious.”

All feelings of happiness Hyunjin had felt were immediately replaced by guilt. Of course, meet a stranger and make him tired. “No, I’m sorry, please. I didn’t’ meant to keep you up, I-” Jisung cut him off.

“Ah, Hyunjin, let’s be friends and meet again! Where will you be tomorrow? Can we meet then?”

“O-oh. Uh, yeah, tomorrow!”

“Great! I’ll see you when the sun goes down, pal!” Jisung winked again, and Hyunjin was temporarily annoyed at how good the boy looked doing it, despite his squishy and innocent appearance.

Hyunjin waited until Jisung’s figure had become small before he allowed himself to process the scenario which had just taken place. Staring at his hand (the one Jisung had grabbed), he remembered the boy’s enthusiasm and soft touch before speaking to himself out loud.

“Hwang Hyunjin… what the _fuck_.”

 

* * *

 

 

Hyunjin spent the entire next day thinking about Jisung.

Did the boy even exist? Was Hyunjin just so fucked up that he was now imagining people? ~~He supposed his brain wasn’t doing a half-bad job if that was the case. Jisung was absolutely the cutest human he had met.~~

After the sun went down, Hyunjin carried his laptop down to the fountain and set up shop at one of the outside tables. Luckily, the weather was nice, so no one thought twice about the strange boy sitting outside working on his homework (aka staring at his phone). Hyunjin had no idea when- or if- Jisung would show up. Luckily for Hyunjin, he did. His cheeks were as squishy as ever, and the boy seemed to glow.

Stupid, stupid ~~gay~~ Hyunjin.

Their nights continued like this for two weeks. On the two-week anniversary of their initial meeting, Jisung began acting very un-Jisung like. The two were sitting on the fountain, where Jisung had dubbed their “sacred holy place no one could touch”, making Hyunjin’s hearts do somersaults. The squirrel boy suddenly reached out and grabbed both of Hyunjin’s hands before attempting to stutter out something.

“So, uh, Hyunjin. Jin. Jinnie? Mr. Hwang? I was, uh, maybe, uh thinking that, well, uh, maybe, uh, if you wanted- ” Jisung tripped over his words for the first time since Hyunjin had known him. He was so overwhelmed with the squirrel’s adorable stuttering that he let out a laugh so loud he scared a small group of birds across from them. “Han Jisung. You are so, so cute. But please, just spit it out, whatever it is.”

Jisung took a deep breath before very, very quickly spitting out, “WellyouknowIwasthinkingandwedon’talwayshavetohangoutat3inthemorningifyoudon’twanttobutIdon’tknowifyouactuallylikemeenoughtohangoutwithmearoundyourfriendsorduringthedayandthisisdumbandI’mgoingtostopnow.”

Hyunjin took a few seconds to process what on Earth Jisung was trying to say before the younger boy interrupted.

“Uh, maybe if you wanted to hang out during the day, maybe not at 3 am… I wouldn’t be opposed to that…” the younger trailed off and flashed a toothy grin to the tall boy. Hyunjin blushed. Maybe Jisung didn’t take too much pity on him. “You know, if you wanted. I don’t know if you even like me that much.”

“I’d love that. A lot, actually.”

The smile on Jisung’s face was brighter than the sun.

 

* * *

 

 

A day turned into a week.

A week turned into a month.

One month turned into two, which turned into three.

Three months turned into four, and then five.

 

* * *

 

 

“Jisung,” Hyunjin started one night.

The two were laying in Jisung’s bed, enjoying their privacy as his roommate Felix was visiting his boyfriend Changbin. Hyunjin was running his fingers through Jisung’s incredibly soft hair, which was resting on Hyunjin’s chest. Totally normal, platonic, behavior.

“Hmm?” Jisung mumbled, not moving his head from Hyunjin’s chest. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Hyunjin had it bad.

“Would it…would it be weird if…”

Jisung sat straight up, cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy. Hyunjin immediately felt his heart melt and his words became mush. He couldn’t do this to Jisung. Hell, did Jisung even like boys? Fuck it, he had to think of something else.

“Would it be weird if I just…shoved you off the bed?” Hyunjin proceeded to push a startled Jisung onto the floor. It wasn’t a far fall, but the younger boy was absolutely stunned, never having expected this. Putting on a fake accent, he stared up at the boy on the bed, crescent moon eyes and the most beautiful laugh he had ever heard. “Aw, I can’t believe you’ve done this,” Jisung quoted one of their favorite Vines, which only sent Hyunjin into more fits of laughter. To Jisung, Hyunjin was perfect.

Later that night, as the two cuddled while falling asleep in Jisung’s bed, Hyunjin began letting his mind wander back to those initial thoughts from earlier. He hated that he couldn’t properly confess. He didn’t think he ever would be able to. Jisung didn’t deserve him. Jisung deserved to be happy.

Stupid, stupid Hyunjin.

 

* * *

 

 

One afternoon, Jisung ran into Hyunjin’s room unannounced. Hyunjin had a bad tendency of not locking his door before he met Jisung, but now he was even less likely to do so in the event a squirrel boy would show up in his room.

“I got invited to a party, Jinnie! A real grown-up college kid party!” Although excited, his voice turning into a hushed whisper, “with alcohol.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Hyunjin, who wore a slight pout. He began to whine seeing the hesitation in the older’s eyes. “C’mon Hyunjinnieeee, it’ll only be for a few hours. Pleaseeee, it’ll be good to go hang out other places rather than campus too!”

Hyunjin seriously considered saying no. Parties certainly weren’t his scene, but Jisung was too adorable, and maybe the alcohol would give him some courage to finally ask the boy on a proper date, not just eating instant noodles and watching Vine compilations at 2 a.m..  

 

***

 

Hyunjin was plastered.

He was pretty sure Jisung was, too.

“I’m drunkkk,” Jisung whined, clinging to Hyunjin. “I don’t wanna go to my roommm, you won’t be there!”

Hyunjin didn’t know if it was the alcohol, but he suddenly felt alive. He felt bold. “Can I stay with you?”

“Of course,” Jisung giggled, leaning his head against the taller boy’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind if you stayed forever.”

“Jisung, that’s gay.” Hyunjin giggled, squeezing the younger. “I’m gay though, so I would know.”

Jisung screamed at this, dropping on the ground to his knees. “Now I owe Felix $20!” The boy sobbed, half-serious, half-joking. Hyunjin panicked, the alcohol not allowing him to rationally process the situation. He let go of Jisung’s hand and kept a distance between the two for the rest of the walk back.

Once back at the dorm, Hyunjin sat on the floor while Jisung attempted to brush his teeth, on the verge of tears. Why had he told Jisung that? Why like that? Oh god, he had probably ruined their friendship, the only friend he’s ever had. Hyunjin wanted to vomit. Was that the alcohol or his anxiety?

The two boys laid in Jisung’s bed again, except this time felt different somehow. A few minutes of silence went by before Jisung finally spoke up. “Hyunjin, was that a confession?”

Fuck. “Did you want it to be?”

A long pause. Five seconds went by. Then ten. Jisung finally spoke. “Is it wrong if I say yes?”

Hyunjin gulped. He rolled over to face Jisung and fumbled in the dark to find his face. Cupping Jisung’s cheeks in his hands, Hyunjin spoke softly, but intently. “Han Jisung, I love you.” Their faces connected, and sparks flew. Jisung was on cloud nine. Hyunjin was on cloud ten.

“Does this mean we can date now?” Jisung asked, eyes hopeful and eager.

“Only if you want to,” Hyunjin ruffled the younger’s hair before pulling him in for another kiss.

Safe to say, the two didn’t sleep for another few hours after that.

 

* * *

 

 

“Jisung, love, your footing is- ”

“I know my footing is off, okay?!” Jisung snapped. “I’m trying! Not everyone is as perfect as you.”

Hyunjin went silent and didn’t comment any further on Jisung’s footing, although it was getting worse with every try. Somewhere around an hour later, he gave up and slipped out to go back to his room.

He cried himself to sleep for the first night in weeks.

 

* * *

 

 

> Hey Squirrel Boy, did you forget about movie night? :p   
>  \- hhj
> 
> Hyunjin, I am so sorry! I was in the studio with Chan  
>  and Changbin working on a project. Next week for  
>  sure? <3   
>  \- sungie <3
> 
> Of course, cutie pie ;)  
>  \- hhj

Spoiler alert: he didn’t show up the following week either.

Hyunjin only wanted to die a little.

 

* * *

 

 

Jisung had gotten so wrapped up in the start of 3RACHA that he had, quite frankly, forgotten about his boyfriend. Jisung started leaving his phone in the dorm to avoid “getting distracted”. When Hyunjin had suggested he do a ‘guest feature’, Jisung had been thrilled. After all, Changbin wanted Felix to guest on a track. Why not Hyunjin too?

 “Okay, woah, hey.” Hyunjin was startled at the abrupt stop in the music, but was even more startled by Jisung’s hands on his shoulders. Hyunjin spun around from the mic and took the headphones off to stare into the disappointed eyes of his boyfriend.

“Is everything okay?” Hyunjin asked, concern flooding his voice.

“Yeah, you just… you need a lot of work on your rapping.”

“Oh.. okay! That’s to be expected, right? Since I’m new to this?”

There was a pause that was a little too long to be comfortable. “Yeah… Hey Jinnie, maybe could you show me that choreo again, actually?”

Hyunjin hadn’t felt like a failure in such a long, long time. But for Jisung, he hid the pain and tried to show Jisung the choreography again.

It ended in a screaming match and tears on both sides. Hyunjin walked out of the studio, broken and defeated.

 

* * *

 

 

They broke up.

Stupid, Stupid Hyunjin.

Jisung threw himself into his work, striving harder to make 3RACHA a successful project and to take his mind off of the beautiful boy he had let down so hard.

Hyunjin fought to keep certain thoughts out of his head.

 

* * *

 

 

Hyunjin gave up.

He stopped eating, stopped going to class, stopped caring. All he did was sleep.

Finally, he had enough. He packed all his things and told everyone he was taking a semester off and going home to relax.

Hyunjin threw himself off a bridge at 3 o’clock that morning.

They never looked for a body.

No one knew.

 

* * *

 

 

A day turned into a week.

A week turned into a month.

One month turned into two, which turned into three.

Three months turned into four, and then five.

 

* * *

 

 

Jisung missed Hyunjin. He realized he was wrong.

Jisung started going to their spot more and more frequently, sitting on the edge of the fountain hoping, praying, that Hyunjin would hear his silent plea.

He never came.

 

* * *

 

 

“Chan, where’s Hyunjin?”

“Who?”

“Your suitemate. The one with the black hair.”

“Oh? The quiet one? I don’t know honestly,” Chan paused, chewing on the end of his pencil. “Honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve seen him around. Maybe ask Seungmin or Minho? You know I don’t get out much.” Chan grinned, rubbing the back of his neck.

Jisung had never felt worse.

 

* * *

 

 

“Minho, where’s Hyunjin?”

“He said he was going home, I think. That was a long time ago though. Did he talk to you?”

“Yeah… something like that.” Jisung’s heart broke.

 

* * *

 

 

“Seungmin, where’s Hyunjin?”

“My roommate? Why are you looking for him? He’s been gone for a while, Sungie.”

“Don’t call me that.” Jisung took a sharp inhale, fiddling with his necklace. “Sorry, I just miss him is all.”

“I didn’t know you were friends... he didn’t have many, I feel like I should have known that.”

“It’s alright… he’s very reserved.”

 

* * *

 

 

With one last hope in his heart that night, Jisung finally texted Hyunjin. With shaking hands, he typed a simple message.

> I’m so sorry, Jinnie. I love you. Where are you?  
>  \- sungie <3

Jisung didn’t even have time to put his phone away before he was met with a reply.

> _“Error 5487: This mobile number has been disconnected.”_
> 
>  

Sobs erupted in the empty room as the phone hit the opposite wall, the screen immediately shattering.

Stupid, stupid Jisung.

**Author's Note:**

> *plays oops i did it again*  
> maybe one day i'll post something happy (no i will not)  
> follow me on twitter to scream about hyunsung and other content @midnighthyunjin


End file.
